Roby cries loudly and often. 
That’s not to say she’s an over dramatic baby, she isn’t. I don’t actually believe such a thing exists. In anycase Roby is, in fact, actually quite calm and happy the majority of the time. But because of her frequent bouts of crying and breathless screaming it feels easy to diminish it, to assume she must not be feeling the full depth of that emotion. If I were to cry so hard I started to hyper-ventilate it would be for a very good reason, my feeling would be valid, Roby cries when Mom is further than arms reach (and her arms are very small). Somehow that reasoning and the frequency make it feel less impactful some how. 

Which is stupid, but also a coping mechanism. Most are, stupid, I suppose. Coping mechanisms. 

Because the truth is a bit too hard to take. That when Roby’s crying for Mom she’s feeling every inch of that anguish. It might take the death of a loved one to make me cry that way, and maybe that’s how she’s feeling when she wants mom.

It’s difficult to accept that because most of the time I can’t do anything about it. Mom has got to brush her teeth, or go to the bathroom, or have five minutes to herself, it has got to happen. We try to minimize it anyways, because I think we know the truth, that Roby feels things fully, that she’s as much a person as we are and while things that might make my gasp with crying would be difficult to fix, hers aren’t. 

She can cuddle mom as much as she’d like to.

The flip side of this is that her moments of joyousness and humor are likely as deep and pure as her anguish. When she giggles after being thrown in the air or after having me blow a raspberry on her stomach or with peek-a-boo or when the dogs do something funny or when I make one of her toys fly around the amusement she feels must be of the purest sort. 

While I can imagine things that might torture me to the point of gasping tears, I have a harder time imagining what sort of thing might make me laugh and feel joy of the purity she enjoys. 

Well that’s not true,
she does. Her laughter brings a crystal-clear joy and laughter to my heart that we mirror in one another, and that’s nice.