In college I was very, very competitive. In a conceptual field like…conceptual art, that sort of competition takes on a strange, hyper-intellectual shape. I got into cryptography and a variety of other things in large part because it gave me tools to go over the heads of my professors and classmates. This icon painting class is something else entirely. While there are ways to intellectualize icons and to “out-spiritualize” certain icon makers, I’m not doing that, or particularly interested in doing that. What I am doing is working faster, harder, and longer than anyone else in the class. This is not in and of itself a good thing, particularly when being done for the wrong reasons.

The class is being taught at the old monastery guest house where I’m staying. Meals are being served at the monastery rectory, about eight tens of a mile up a hill. Classes begin too soon after meals and services to walk in the morning or for lunch. But before dinner and after I can walk, and so I do. On my most recent walk I was trying to reflect on why I feel the need to impress my teachers or the other old ladies in this class. I don’t have a good, clear answers. Any grappling with it basically comes down to being a prideful dingus, which about sums it up.

There’s a book in the monastery store that has simple rules for “ikon” painting. There are a lot of good rules out of the nine, but one most relevant here is:

6. Do not be jealous of your neighbor’s work: his success is your success, too.

This is what Father Mark has said about all possessions, success, or wealth, this is just a very direct example. I pridefully think that my ikon is the best one, I’ve worked very hard on it and I have a background in art and aesthetics, I should hope that mine is good, given all that. So that doesn’t really give me much of a chance to be envious, which is a bit shitty of a thing to say. But, I look at the work of my teachers and I’m very impressed, but not envious, I’m glad the work exists and I want to let it inspire me. Is this progress?  Maybe in part.

Surrounding oneself with people you are not intimidated by and being desperately competitive with them so as to not be intimidated by them is pridefulness of a truly hideous sort.