︎ zazen bozo ︎


︎︎︎ June 19th, 2023 ︎︎︎

Back and gone again.

We were hardly home before I drove to town, and my second time back in as many days was brief before bed.

I thought for a second that spending all this time together would make the time apart easier, but I doubt that. I’m not in that time apart just yet, I’m just looking down it’s barrel, but my fresh expectation that I’ll get to sip coffee with Abby and talk with her and walk with her is just upping the caliber.

I guess we’ll see. T-minus 13 hours. 

As I consider the approach of a new human and all the changes their presence will usher in I wonder about all expectations. 

I’ve studied woodworking, ceramics, glassblowing, graphic design, brand strategy; if I had a perspective on each of those fields before I was part of them, they were skewed to the point of uselessness.
 
The work I thought I would be making of wood, clay, glass, ink, or words before I actually knew what I was doing was very different not only from what I would ultimately be capable of making, but also from what I would ever even aspire to make, given my newfound knowledge. 

Attempts at anticipating how I might like to navigate my relationship with distance from Abby after vacation for a few days are as fruitless as any hopes of knowing how I’ll feel about being a father once I’m in it. I think the best approaches are theological, it’s not a thing that can be intellectualized into or out of, at least not in a way that doesn’t totally suck and set a person up for failure. At least it seems that way to me, from here, today. 

The last few years I’ve been working hard to feel things more and to think about them less. I’ve thought my way out of and into a lot of things since I was a kid, I’ve helped myself with thinking more than I’ve hurt myself. But it feels like for now I don’t know much, but I feel a lot, and I’m going to lean into that. 

Bozo