Generally I write my blog after the ladies have gone to bed, I write it in the dark, alone. I’ll watch youtube videos before or after, or play the video game of the hour, then I’ll stumble into bed bleary-eyed and burned from the cyber-glare of my monitor. It’s not the best way to greet sleep, but it’s not so bad. 

Today I’m writing before that, I’m writing right now, it’s 7:26 and it’s beautiful outside, I’m looking at a humming bird as I write. I can write without looking at my hands, that’s a perk you get after writing a blog for over a year, I guess. 

I intend to read in bed for a while, maybe that’ll help me sleep better than I have been. A combination of some unnamed discomfort, I won’t say illness, that has been lingering, and the anxiety of waiting on an opportunity have kept me awake. 

I feel prepared for the opportunity, I’ve worked hard for it, but it would be just such a radical change, and generally in a very positive way, that it feels impossible. The scale of the hope makes it feel hopeless. 

anyways,

At my Catechumen class we talked about prayer, about since God wills things beyond our understanding, it might be in vain to wish for our will to supercede his. So perhaps the only thing worth praying for is to accept the will of God. 

That being said, I heard a quote, I can’t recall who was quoting it, and I can’t recall who they were quoting, but they said that

“You should only critique a person to the extend to which you are willing to intercede and help them navigate the thing you are critiquing them for.”

If you want to give someone shit for being fat, go to the gym with them. If you think it’s lame that their job sucks or doesn’t pay them enough, help them to make more money or be more fulfilled. If you aren’t willing to put yourself out there, shut up. 

It occurred to me that something similar may be happening with prayer. Only pray for something, outside of acceptance of the Will of god, if you’ve put in some work. 

This isn’t the same as saying God helps those who help themselves, but I’m not totally sure how it’s not the same. I’ll have to think about that.