I’ve had allergies the past few days. It’s not something I really like. Been sneazing loads, and the halves of my nose trade off turning to granite. It’s the sort of thing I’d’ve overlooked in a past life but now Abby, bless her, helps me understand and unpack and unfold and figure out what in the hell’s going on. This might just be for her own self interest as she doesn’t love sleeping next to someone who snores as much as I’ve been this past while.

Audience and the way we percieve it, and ourselves is an increasingly curious and important thing to figure out for me.  

I was listening to a blindboy podcast, an early one on my way home from supper and someone asked him if he liked going out to eat on his own. He said he loved it, but he said it in a curious way. He indicated that he loved to go out in the company of himself, he loved his own company. He never said anthing about being alone, anything about solitude, it was always about his own company. It’s like he was refering to himself as a seperate person with which he could spend time and not the standard state of being when nobody’s around. 

I don’t think of myself as a being I can have company with, but maybe I ought to. Maybe thinking of myself as an audience will inspire me to behave in the way I do in front of other audiences. Though, as I mused yesterday, my relationship with the audience has a massive impact on how their presence influences me. I’m not entirely keen to impress myself, and while that’s not the entirety of why an audience influences behavior, it is a considerable factor. 

The question then is wether or not myself as audience has little impact on my behavior because I love myself, or because I don’t. 

Hard to say.