I fasted today, and it was challenging.

Even knowing that I had less energy and would likely be grumpy didn’t prevent it from being something of a shock, or at least a surprise when I had less energy and was grumpy. It seems like awareness should ease some of it, but it doesn’t. I think that awareness lent me an ability to learn and to lean in to it a bit, though. And that’s real nice. I was able to turn my discomfort from itself, towards other things.

When I felt hungry I thought, upon the recommendation of Jack, about that man I scared to the point of flight. I tried to picture his face, as father Mark recommended, and I tried to love him. I think I love him more than I did, I never felt particularly upset with him, really. He could have done a better job controlling his dog, but, it’s not like he bit me.

I hope some day, with deep enough reflection and intention to feel that I might behave differently in an emergency than I did this last time. It is unlikely to be the last.

Granted, that emergency was a bit specific, it nailed a sensitive part of my trauma in a way few other things might, but still, the world loves to do that.

Father Mark suggested that the best way to prepare oneself to behave better in the extreme moments is to work hard in a daily way to behave better in non emergencies, in small ways. To not be angry when a toddler kicks you in the testacles or makes your ears bleed, to be kind when it’s hard to be.

Fasting has a way of making me more sensitive. Of making the small things seem bigger. Generally if I’m just hangry, that means more irritation. But on a day bent towards understanding and controlling irritation, those big arrow-signs can be incredibly helpful to the nearly blind like me.