I’m not sure my life has ever felt more chaotic and overwhelming than it does, if not as this precise moment, then perhaps an hour or two ago. It is difficult to see the other side of the tunnel. It feels like it has just been getting darker for a year straight. Maybe this is just reality catching up with me and I’ve been a lazy ass for my entire life, that is certainly possible and does represent a shoe I’ve been waiting to drop for some time. But that doesn’t feel quite right, it’s hard to say. 

In anycase I am learning, by necessity, how to get a lot more done than I have previously. I must fit it in everywhere I can, into every little empty space. In winter it’s tough because it’s dark a lot of the time, and the sort of carpentry work I want to do around the house can’t really be done very well in the dark. It’s also cold. I also have loads of computer work to do, so I do that in the dark. 

But Roby has starting going to bed later, and that has been cutting into time that used to be for leisure, but is now for a desperate attempt to claw back some hours for work. Right now a lot of it is volunteer work, that deck for Father Mark, but the moment that is done, or possibly before it is done, I have another project I’m collaborating with a friend on, and I’ve got to do that.

Hell, if that goes well I’ll have to dedicate most of my nights for the forseeable future to it. That is the best case scenario for me.

Maybe this is just what it means to be an adult, to be a father. To be totally overwhelmed, to be sliding down the cutting face of a mountain, clawing, bloody-fisted at any handhold while still trying to make the time to smile at your soon-to-be wife.

I don’t think this suffering has even made my writing any better. Any there’s no doubt that my resolution to write more fiction this year is out the window, took less than a fortnight for that to turn to ash.

Maybe something good will happen soon.